so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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