He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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