My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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