That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
