so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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