I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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