I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
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just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
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EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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