hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
