Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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