I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
