Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
