At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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