mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Is Oprah even human
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
