does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
