"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
