And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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