I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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