the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
