My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
