my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
