i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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