it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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