weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
