Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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