So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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