you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
