My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
