thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
