At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
