Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
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some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
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You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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