fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Randomize
