Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
