Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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