So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
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