the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
