New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
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I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
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We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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