Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
