...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
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Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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