if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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