and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
