Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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