All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
