He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
