peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
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