I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
