My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
