Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
