My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
