hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
