I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
