So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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