Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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