The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I need to stop coming to work sober
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
