Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
